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The Story of Tiffany Rat

Based on a true story

There was a good little boy, we will call him Simon to avoid embarrassing him, but this is not Daniel’s real name. Simon loved animals.  One day Simon bought a pet rat and named her Tiffany.  Simon and Tiffany loved each other (in a completely platonic way).

One day Simon did something he shouldn’t have.  Simon was 17 and was going into the army.  He was worried about what would happen to Tiffany, so he took Tiffany to a very nice piece of bushland where he thought Tiffany would be happy.  Simon let Tiffany go, but Tiffany loved Simon and walked home with him.

So Simon gave Tiffany to his friend Tom.  But Tom was only a few months younger than Simon, and went into the navy.  When Tom left for the navy he gave Tiffany to his sister Kathy.  Tiffany was very happy with Kathy and had many adventures as related in “The Tales of Tiffany”.  But Rats do not live very long and Tiffany got old and died and went to Rat Heaven.

In Rat Heaven, Tiffany could watch her friends.  Tiffany was proud of what her Human friends were doing, but one day, Tiffany saw something that made her very frightened.  A group of Human scientists did something incredibly stupid.  They changed the status of the planet Pluto and called it a dwarf planet. 

The Plutonians were mortally offended. They built an armada of very advanced warships, and the entire species set out for Earth to avenge themselves for the insult.  Of course they did not want to conquer the Earth; from their point of view it is a terrible place; so hot their liquid Helium based blood would boil.  The atmosphere is full of the deadly poisonous gas Oxygen, and the pressure of the atmosphere is a million times what they like.
The Plutonians were planning to make an alliance with the good people of Illinois.  For the Plutonians the only issue that had any importance was the status of  Pluto.  The People of Illinois had never accepted the change of status of Pluto and still referred to it as a Planet.  The Plutinians considered the people of Illinois to be in revolt against the rest of the Humans.

The Plutonians scanned the armed forces of the Earth.  When they saw that Simon was in the Army of Earth they became very frightened, but when they saw that Tom was on the pride of the Royal Australian Navy, the mighty warship HMAS Mermaid they were paralysed with terror and the last thing the did before lapsing into a totally catatonic state was to order their ships’ computers to flee a long way from the Earth at full speed.  The ships got up to 239834 kilometres a second and went completely past Pluto.

It was nearly 20 years before the Plutonians recovered from their catatonia.  By this time they were about 18 light years away from Pluto.  They saw a closer star system which was uninhabited and went there, settling on one of the outer planets which was even nicer than Pluto.  But they called it Pluto after their old home.


The Plutonians were finally able to get their revenge on the people of Earth.  They named the third planet of their new star system “Earth”, and then reclassified it as a dwarf planet.


The Plutonians were completely satisfied with their revenge and when Captain Jack arrived on the interstellar Exploration Ship “The Highway to Heaven”, with his motley crew of Humans and Wise Apes, and his sister Lily who had come for a ride. The Plutonians were completely friendly to them.

The Highway to Heaven was able to go faster than the speed of light.  The method of doing this was invented by the mad scientist, Pete of the Apes.  Pete of the Apes was a bit like Tarzan of the Apes because they were both friendly with the apes, and both swung through the trees with the apes, but Pete of the Apes was different from Tarzan because he was short and had a long white beard and five Nobel Prizes.  The Apes Pete was friendly with did not need to shave.

In Human Heaven, Albert Einstein was very annoyed that Pete had ignored the absolute speed limit of the

universe he had set.

Pete was not officially mad, but only officially emotionally unstable, but he knew that it was impossible to go faster than the speed of light, and then invented a way of doing it, so he must have been mad.


Steve Challis

Olypian quarrels et gorilla congolium sic ad nauseum.